‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦♡꒦꒷︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹
Two months ago was roughly marked as my 3rd visit to my psychiatrist, and then I went to a friend's house to find some food for my lunch.
After I got my lunch, I met with her mom who peeked out inside her house.
Her mom asked me, "Where have you been lately? Such a busy girl. Its been long time since your last visit here."
I told her, "I went to hospital recently because I'm sick."
"Oh, what kind of sickness?"
"Its a mental illness." I replied, "My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety disorder 3 months ago, and he told me to get a better treatment in hospital right now."
Her tone suddenly changed. "Poor you." She said. "What makes you so stressed out that made you in need to go to psychiatrist? You have friends, right? Why don't you tell your friend instead of keeping your problem by yourself?"
I really wish I could. But that's not the point.
"You know," she continued. "You can even tell your bestfriend (her daughter) about all your problems. She will gladly listen to you. What is even the point to have bestfriend beside you."
Its not about my friends. Its about my health.
"You've been got trial by God, I think God doesn't love you at this point."
After hearing that line, I just smile and leaving that place with bitter feeling. Not even try to give myself a chance to explain that I need the treatment because it affected my physical health, not because I had lack of friend nor faith.
Maybe she was right, I haven't really opened up to my friends lately. It made me disconnected with the world outside and maybe that's what make me depressed and anxious.
So at this very moment, I reached out my friends to meet and told them about my life updates.
But this time, I decided to not include her daughter.
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I wish I made up about this story, but sadly, that's what really happened. Since that day, my heart feel weightened, and my mind went confused. I told my brother about this, asking him if I might be the one who being too much with my anxiety, and he told me to not go to that place nor meeting her again.
The moment her mom said that to me, I feel like it was my last straw to deal with her. She didn't even try to defend me, and let her mom keep blaming me about my illness. I feel heartbroken, and it costs all this 10 years friendship to crumble apart. Its sad, but its okay, because I'm the one who decided that. I won't let anyone wronged me with their words. Not in this year, nor forever in the future.
One of my friend in my private Whatsapp group planned to have some small gathering two weeks ago, and I reached by contacting each of them secretly on their DM, because this one friend was also in the group and I don't want her to know that I'll go as I don't want to bring her in my plan anymore.
And so I went to my friend's place. To make it easier to read my post without being confused which is who, I'll refer this "friend" who wronged me as a girl A from now.
I was the one who come early because my place is far awal from him. And my friend warmly welcomed me as usual. He asked my why I didn't bring girl A today, as he always saw me been together with her everytime we had gathering. I told him about everything that happened before I decided to not get her involved with anything around me anymore, I also told him that I wanted to rebuild my circle to make it healthier, and she definitely won't be on the list.
He was kinda surprised by that, and told me that it wasn't my fault for my mental illness. And then we ended up sharing each other's life updates, about our romance lifes, works, and everything, while waiting for the others to show up.
As time passed by, my friends started to come there one by one, and everytime they asked me why I didn't bring this girl A, I explained to them with the same story. Most of them were pissed off and even cursed her mom (LOL), and fortunately, despite everything, they still understand about my mental health condition. They understand that its doesn't have a deal with my faith, and known that it was a serious matter that affecting my physical health.
Everything went nice before his neighbour told him that he has leak on his bathroom and almost got his entire place flooded before we noticed (we were at different room that time LMAO). We ended up help him to clean the water until night comes, and we went home soaked by rain and dirts.
That day was truly fun. And suddenly, I feel relieved.
I'm glad that I'm still get surrounded by people who understand my problem. I'm glad that they're not being judgemental about it, I'm glad that there's still a lot of kind people around me, and I'm glad that they respect my decision with what will I do in my life.
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I'm sorry for making this kind of update, it has been on my mind lately and I kinda want to dumped it here. The topic might be a little bit serious, but its just a glimpse of my rant about what happened to me. My mental health get improved after my therapist changed my medicines, and my insomnia issue has been reducing too. I'm physically better now, and so I hope my mental condition will also follow it.
I'm writing this to remind you and myself that is totally okay to seek for professional help if you have trouble with your habit lately, it might be a sign of mental illness and before we self-diagnose ourselves with anything, please make sure to check on yourself, especially if its started to affected your physical health. You are not being too much about it, and it doesn't have something to do with your faith. Its the same illness that need to be cured by medicine, and I believe as long as you get a proper treatment, it will be gone with no time.
And remember, you always have someone to rely on一even if its just one person. You are surrounded by a nice people, and I'm sure they will support your decision for the good. You're not alone, not before you die. There will always someone who look up for you, and you just need to trust them. Everything will be fine, its always storm before the rainbow, so we will be fine. You will be fine.
For those who still stick with me and being my friend, I deliver my thank to you. Thank you for being such a good friend and become the part of my life journey, I hope our feeling is mutual, because I'm glad to be your friend and become the part on your life too.
Maybe her mom was right. But I'll do it with my own way.
‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦♡꒦꒷︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹
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